The Endangered Cockney

We have grown up with the expectation that London, particularly the East, is filled with charming Cockneys. One expects London streets to be filled with people doffing their cap with an "Awright geeezza". Or to hear a vocalisation of surprise not dissimilar to "Gaaaaawd blimey; yer 'avin' a giraffe!" Instead, one walks down the street to the sounds of teeth sucking and people going '"O.M.G".

The true Cockney, seen in films such as Mary Poppins and Oliver!, is gone. The occasional one might be selling actual apples and pears, or coming to fix your gas boiler with a smiley disposition, but they are becoming a rare sight in London. If one wants to see lots of Cockneys in one place, visit Whitstable in Kent. The seaside town is full of tube and taxi drivers talking in colourful accents and rhymes. But not in London.

The London Shopping Centre

You're about to enter a Westfield's shopping centre. Perhaps you're trying to find a gift for your niece? Maybe you're looking for a new belt to stop you accidentally mooning old ladies? Are you attending a wedding next weekend, and needing to buy a gift and something sparkly to wear? Or are you thinking of replacing those tired-looking cushions? For all I know, you're looking to treat yourself to some sexy stockings... Look, I don't know your business, but either way, there you are, waiting for the automatic doors to open. Oh, you have to pull them open yourself. Idiot.

Anyway, you're finally inside, squinting away while you get used to the intense glow of white walls and glass ceilings. But don't stand still for too long though, otherwise you'll find yourself being thwacked with shopping bags, and shunted about by shoulders. Of course, you know what shop you want to go to, but where is it? There are over 150,000 square metres of shop, over three floors, at your toetips. It's at this point you consider going home and buying everything online for the rest of your life. But, hey, you're here now. You knew it wasn't going to be easy.

The Commuter

Have you ever been in a milking shed? The cows are all herded in through the doors, where they take their position, lined up next to, and opposite, other cows. They are then hooked up to a machine, and then stare at each other for an indefinite period of time while the process of draining their udders continues.

Have you ever been on the Jubilee Line? The passengers crowd in through the doors, where they take their seat next to, and opposite, other commuters. While their Oyster Card is draining of money, they sit and stare at each other blankly, whilst trying to ignore each other's existence, for an undetermined amount of time. This is a strange, and inhuman experience.

When commuters get on a bus, with their seats arranged so you're not facing others, it is less strange. However, every passenger wants the front seats on the top deck. In built into everyone is the childish ambition to pretend to be bus driver. Therefore, they will unremorsefully kick, push and shove others to try and get to the coveted seat. If, after fighting their way up the stairs first, they find the seats occupied, that might just push them over the edge, resulting in a faintly audible sound of exasperation.

However, regular commuters, regardless of whether they are on a bus, tube or train, have developed a keen sense of their whereabouts. The commuter can be sat, head buries in their free morning newspaper or book, and without lifting an eye, know their position on the route. Perhaps it is an understanding of speed, sound and time. Or it might be that their bottom has memorised every bump, or every sway. Either way, the London commuter can unquestionably stand, make their way to the door and step outside onto the right platform or stop with absolute precision, and without ever averting their gaze.

The commuter is perhaps modern-day proof of Darwin's theory of evolution.

Escalator To Hell

The sky is black. The ground is wet. The faces of people are miserable. It's a dull morning in London, and you're entering an underground station, with many others, like germs entering a wound. After all, the underground is essentially just a sewer for people. They drain in off the streets, and are quickly washed away underground, with the accompanying smell being a mixture of different bodily excretions.

Anyway, you've entered the station, and paid for the displeasure. Now you're the other side of the gates, and joining the crowd that surrounds the entrance onto the escalator. The mob slowly filters on, thanks to the guidance of a man in a florescent jacket who brings order to the anarchy. You step on and are taken on a long journey, which takes you deeper and deeper into the subterranean world that exists below the streets of London.

Learn Your Left from Your Right

Londoners are a very patient bunch, who take life in their stride. They are free spirits, and never rush to be anywhere. The Londoner will just mill about, with no particular purpose. They wake up in the dark, and venture out in the drizzling rain, just for the fun of it.

Well, that's what some people must think. These people must mistake Londoner's for being a bunch of compassionate individuals. Why else would they stand on the left side of escalators? The only way they could make the rule any simpler, is if Cbeebies did a cheerily patronising song with the lyrics: 'By standing on the right, You're always in the right!'

Tourists with Cameras

When one braves the crowds of central London, we expect to be bumped and shoved by tourists; just as much as one can expect to see Big Ben or St Paul's Cathedral on the distant skyline. We deal with this in a typically British manner: we tut and moan under our breath, careful not to let anyone overhear us, for fear of coming across as a bit of a racist. Of course, 'tourist' doesn't necessarily mean foreign, but most Londoner's seem to treat everything outside the M25 as 'foreign', with their grass and wildlife.

The main problem with tourists on the streets of London, is their insatiable need to photograph everything they see. A pigeon. An over flowing bin. A still-moist splat of abandoned chewing gum. Another pigeon. A grey cloud. An empty Starbucks cup. A gang of pigeons. A policeman. A drunk being arrested by said policeman. A seagull. A set of green traffic lights taken in the middle of a road. A blurry shot of Big Ben.