London Etiquette

There are lots of people in London; far too many in fact. There are streets where you could burrow a tunnel, using just your fingernails, quicker than you could walk along the pavement. It is impossible to be out in London without thinking, at least once, that it's been a long while since a healthy proportion of humanity was wiped out by an epidemic. Swine flu just never really caught on like us misanthropes hoped for.

In order for society to be considered a successful one, all of its inhabitants need to get on in perfect harmony. London is not an example of one such society. We just don't function together. I think it is because the residents of London can be split into two categories.

Firstly, there are those of us go through life, head down with the intention of blending seamlessly into the dingy backdrop of London. They are quintessentially British. They plug themselves into a headphone socket and upload a facial expression of extreme stoicism onto their face. These are the sorts of people who apologise profusely, despite them being completely devoid of blame, for walking into the back of someone who randomly stopped in the middle of the pavement. In fact, apologising becomes as regular as breathing.

The truly British members of our society are the people who, when asked, say yes to someone asking to take an empty chair from their table in a café, despite their friend only nipping off for the toilet. They are the sort of person who, despite starting the queue to enter the approaching train, will be the last person getting on; after everyone has pushed themselves on first. They will also find themselves breaking into a light jog at the sight of a door being held open.

The other half of society are difficult to categorise. They look British, sound British, and even tick 'British' when filling out forms. But they don't think or act British. Perhaps it is yet another example of the Americanization of civilisation. Maybe there is a generation walking around who were incorrectly taught Britishness? Either way, it is these people who organisation such as the British National Party and the English Defence League should be fighting against; not those of different nationalities and faiths.

These possibly-Americanized individuals are guilty of unapologetically stopping in the middle of a crowded street, for no apparent reason, and expecting to part the crowds around them like a modern-day Moses. They see a queue forming, and yet decide to walk around said line, as if the unspoken rules of Britishness don't apply to them. They are the people who get to the barriers at the station before unapologetically searching for their Oyster Card, rather than being prepared five stops beforehand.

Yes, you read right. Worse of all, they are unapologetic. They will elbow you out of the way without so much of a mimed apology. These people don't even perform the 'No, I Insist You Go First' dance; they will just march through the door like it's their God-given right. They even have the audacity to look you in the eyes when they sit opposite you on the tube, as if they're expecting you to allow them to put their feet up on your lap.

Unfortunately, this way of insolently striding through life is catching. More and more people are becoming like this in London. And with the ability of humans to travel quickly and freely through the country, it is undoubtedly spreading. Let's just hope these are the initial symptoms of the epidemic that will cull half the London population; and hopefully be more successful than the badger one of 2013.