The Biannual Tube Strikes

Surprisingly, life in London on a usual day, runs smoothly. If the sun is shining, and you can get a seat on the bus, the queues are working, and no-one has thrown themselves in front of a moving train, you could be forgiven for feeling strong, positive emotions; such as contentedness. Nothing strong enough to stir a smile, but enough to stop you wishing for a new plague, as you cup your head into a sweaty armpit.

However, this is nothing but the calm before the storm, when the Transport for London staff throw a hissy-fit and decide to award themselves a few days off. The result is central London becoming a no-go zone; as if a nuclear attack has just been performed on Charing Cross roundabout.

The Government issues statements, such as:

"Please stay in your homes until further notice. Travellers are advised to use other routes, and to not attempt entering the area unless  completely unavoidable. If you are worried about loved one's who might be stranded at a bus stop, please call 02054 845321. We thank you for your calm and cooperation during this difficult period."

Actually, they don't, but for the panic that builds up in the average Londoner in the week proceeding a planned strike, they probably should consider such warnings. But instead, the impending doom of a travel blackout, is ceremoniously greeted by conjecture from everyone, everywhere. The newspapers are filled with angry London columnists, bemoaning that they will have to suffer a home-made caffeine boost, rather than be able to catch the tube to their favourite, little-known Italian barrister named Miguel, in Holborn. Key political figures pop up to attempt a hint of sympathy for London commuters, before smugly getting into the back of their chauffeur-driven Jaguars.

Radio 2 holds phone-ins on the topic, which includes a debate between Bob Crow, a Dara O'Briain and Danny Dyer love child, and a senior TfL figure. The debate resolves nothing, and sparks much public support for Dara Dyer in Northerners, who are rejoicing in: A) Any form of strike action against a Conservative Government, and B) Anything that inconveniences those 'Southern Softies'. No Londoner's phone in to get involved in the debate however, because they're walking in the inevitable  pouring rain.

And what is the row over? It's usually over things such as not being paid enough (despite being paid considerably more than the average nurse), and the rise of the machines. When the average tube driver gets paid £50,000 a year to spend half of it striking, it isn't a huge surprise that people have little support for them, and cannot wait for computer-operated trains. The computers can't strike… yet anyway.

In reality, Transport for London could probably interchange 50% of staff with paper cut outs of them, and the public wouldn't take much notice, with most only lifting their heads up as they tap in their Oyster Card. It would be weeks before anyone even noticed a rainbow-coloured mammoth in the ticket hall, let alone the lack of staff.