The Theatre, Darling

Many great actors and actresses tread the boards at London's West End each night, and many millions of people go see them do just that every year. So much so, that it has become somewhat of a tourist necessity to go see a show; thus explaining why so many people are always in attendance. Whenever you go to see a show, you first have to battle through a mass of people who loiter on the pavement outside, in the doorways, in the entrance hall, on the stairs, around the gift and confectionary shops, at the bar, down the corridors and lurking around corners. None of them moving. They're like tall cones wearing coats which one has to successfully manoeuvre around.

So, you've paid, let's say, £100 for a night out for two at the theatre. Then you buy the obligatory program, plus a souvenir. Then drinks, and maybe something to munch in the interval. It's an expensive night out, but it comes with perks. Firstly, there is a better class of people there. These are the sorts of people that might actually apologise for bumping into you; which is a rare treat in this city. Secondly, because it is so expensive, people tend to make sure they arrive on time and don't talk through it, what with everyone trying to get their monies worth. And thirdly, it makes a nice change from the usual drudgery of watching television every night.

There are many varieties of show you could go see. Musical or Shakespearean play. An old classic or a new breakthrough hit show. Comedy or tragedy. Theatrical adaptation of a well-known story or a small budget, independent show. Featuring a thespian actor or reality show star. An Andrew Lloyd Webber creation, or other. Camp or not quite as camp. The list is endless. Like the tourists pamphlets say in their usual, cliché manner: There is something for everything. Unless you're deaf and blind; there is nothing for you.

People train for years, going to special theatre schools, colleges and University, with the dream that one day they will grace the stage of a West End theatre, hopefully performing the lead role and having queues of people waiting at the stage door for an autograph. You will recognise these people when you go to the theatre; they are either the ones opening the doors for you, carrying props, or if they are particularly talented/lucky, they will be playing one of the minor roles. That's because theatre school graduates don't make people want to go see a show; other than their parents anyway. It's the washed-up comedian, X Factor finalists, ex-soap star or celebrity talent show winner, who has no theatrical training, which puts bums on seats.

It is because of this, that to make sure you have good seats for a show you particularly want to see, you have to purchase tickets way in advance. However, this works in one's favour because by the time the evening of the show comes around, you have come to terms with, or forgotten, the price of the tickets. Much unlike the cinema, where only 5 minutes earlier you bought the tickets, so you sit there, still resentful. Also not like the cinema, it is extremely unlikely that you can pick seats which are a spitting distance away from anyone else. In the theatre, there is no escaping others.

Of course, you could get an aisle seat, which means you only have to sit next to one person, and that person is usually someone who's stench you are familiar with. Getting an end seat does mean that you will have to get up for every person who sits in your row; and it is common etiquette that if you have a seat in the middle of said row, you have to wait for everyone else to sit down and get comfy, before taking your own seat. And so, the people in the middle of the row edge their way through, apologising to each and every person whilst making no eye contact with any of them. You often find in fact, that you have closer contact with the old couple sat in the middle whom you have never met before, than you might have had with some of your past boy-or-girlfriends.

If you do have an end seat, one must also be careful to keep your feet and hands tucked away, as there is a tendency for performers to run down the aisle between the audience. Of course, it always seems like a fun idea to trip someone over, but doing so to the lead performer in the middle of the show, might not be the best idea you will ever have. If he or she injures themselves, meaning they stop the show, you might have a room full of middle and upper class people all muttering their strong opinions of you between themselves. Then you might be asked to leave, and then you've wasted all that money. Plus, I imagine theatre-brats can give quite a hard slap, and scream at ear-damaging levels.

Not only that, but when the show is over, and you've all finished clapping, cheering and whistling, it's time to put coats on and leave. So if you're at the end of the row, you're the pace-setter for everyone else who shared your row. It's a huge responsibility. No-one wants to be quietly tutted at while they put their arm in the coat. As soon as that curtain goes down, it's a race to be one of the first audience members out the door.

And thus ends a typically uneventful night out, soaking up the culture which London has to offer. And if the ceiling of the Victorian theatre hasn't collapsed on your head, that makes for an even better night out.