When
one braves the crowds of central London, we expect to be bumped and shoved by
tourists; just as much as one can expect to see Big Ben or St Paul's Cathedral
on the distant skyline. We deal with this in a typically British manner: we tut
and moan under our breath, careful not to let anyone overhear us, for fear of
coming across as a bit of a racist. Of course, 'tourist' doesn't necessarily
mean foreign, but most Londoner's seem to treat everything outside the M25 as
'foreign', with their grass and wildlife.
The
main problem with tourists on the streets of London, is their insatiable need
to photograph everything they see. A pigeon. An over flowing bin. A still-moist
splat of abandoned chewing gum. Another pigeon. A grey cloud. An empty
Starbucks cup. A gang of pigeons. A policeman. A drunk being arrested by said
policeman. A seagull. A set of green traffic lights taken in the middle of a
road. A blurry shot of Big Ben.
It
is because of this, that I propose specific tourist lanes, and designated spots
on pavements for taking photographs. It would allow tourists to stop and admire
the eccentricities of London. Those that Londoner's have grown weary of, and
despise those that haven't yet gotten over the thrill of finding yet another
statue of a man with a moustache. Incidentally, I don't know why we keep
immortalising men with a hairy top lip. I highly doubt that in fifty years time
London will have statues of men and women with flesh holes in their ears…
Another
popular tourist pastime in London, is to stand in a red phone box, pick up the
receiver and pose through the window to the camera, as a childish giggle
consumes their face. It is almost as if these people are fulfilling a life-long
dream of standing in urine with a phone in their hand. Some people just settle
for standing outside the phone box to have their picture taken; because
sometimes friends won't believe you actually found a red phone box without
photographic proof; despite their being 8 within spitting distance of Big Ben.
Visitors
love to be photographed in front of everything. They stand in front of phone
boxes, McDonalds, trees, black cabs, pigeons and vast amounts of water. As well
as that, they stand at a distance from Big Ben and use perspective to make it
look like they're leaning against it or picking it up; oh, how originally funny
they are.
Every
Londoner has a decision to make as they walk towards a crowd of tourists having
their photograph taken. Do you walk behind them, preserving their happy memory
forever, get hit by a bus, then give them something else to photograph? OR, do
you just walk right through, saving your life and grinning for the rest of the
day because you ruined their holiday? We all want to do the latter; besides
they can just take the picture again a few seconds later. However, we all
perform the former action, of striding into the road, because inbuilt into all
of us, is a British desire to avoid all forms of personal conflict.
On
one level, Londoner's wish they were still in awe of the city, and could get
excited about the sighting of a pigeon. But on another level, all Londoner's
have had a pigeon fly up into their face, and wish they could shoot them with a
gun, and not a camera.
I
just feel sorry for the poor sods that have to look through the holiday snaps
of tourists when they get home…
'You
see, it looks like I'm actually holding up the London Eye… Ho ho
ho!'
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