Out in the City

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The Big Screen

The cinema is the perfect place for a misanthrope to go. It is the only time one can sit in a darkened room for a few hours, sitting in silence and watching a screen, whilst still being considered to be socialising. It allows them to go out in public, with friends, family, or on a date, and spend time in their presence, without having to engage with them on any level, apart from maybe sharing a tub of popcorn.

Despite this though, there are many reasons why one should be weary of entering such a building. These are issues which are synonymous with the cinema experience, where ever you are in the country. Firstly, the cost of refreshments is laughable; some people have to take out pay-day loans to afford a bottle of water, popcorn, and a bag of sweets. Then that's on top of buying tickets to watch half hour of adverts, before a film which is on a screen that is too large and the volume turned up too high, and sat on a seat that is marginally more comfortable than resting your buttocks on an overflowing rubbish bin.

Londoners though, watch films in a manner I am unused to. They treat cinemas like their front room. People walk in and out, throughout, numerous times. They go to the toilet, purchase more snacks, take phone calls and go to the toilet again. Some Londoners, usually the younger ones, spend their time laughing and joking throughout the film, and others just generally chat with their friend, about what has been happening at work. Others spend their time, screen in hand, texting someone, liking something on Facebook, or just tapping away at a game. Then, for the moments they are watching the film, they sit back in their chairs, and put their feet up on the back of your chair.

Is it because we live in an age of Sky+, where everyone is used to doing what they like, when they like, and just pause what they're watching to do whatever? Is it because people have such short attention spans now, that being passive for 2 hours is impossible for them? Perhaps. Or maybe there just are not enough coffee shops in London for friends to go an chat in? Well, it's definitely not the latter. In truth, I haven't the foggiest why anyone would pay, say, £8-£10 for a cinema ticket, and then pay no attention to it.

Of course, London is in Britain, and therefore operates under the same set of rules. One must just ignore these other people, and only break your stoic poker face to roll your eyes. We just want to turn around and slap the feet off your chair, or telling them to shut up about 'that bitch from work'. Or perhaps even kick the phone out of their hand. However, thanks to the rules we, as a society, have put upon ourselves, we have to just suffer these fools. Well, apart from the occasional hero who will make a short, loud, irritated speech to tell them to shut up, but you can't rely on one of them always being present.

I should be able to watch a film, without having an idiot's commentary accompanying it, popcorn being flung at me, or being put into a headlock by some kid's muddy Adidas trainers.

It is here then, that I suggest Boris Johnson passes a law, similar to the contempt of court law. Anyone who disrespects a film is held in contempt of cinema, and could face a maximum of a month in jail and be fined £2,500; of course with the money going towards refunding the tickets of everyone in that screen. It's the only way to teach proper cinema etiquette to a city of selfish, stupid morons, with muddy trainers.

The Theatre, Darling

Many great actors and actresses tread the boards at London's West End each night, and many millions of people go see them do just that every year. So much so, that it has become somewhat of a tourist necessity to go see a show; thus explaining why so many people are always in attendance.

It's an expensive night out, but it comes with perks. Firstly, there is a better class of people there. 

These are the sorts of people that might actually apologise for bumping into you; which is a rare treat in this city. Secondly, because it is so expensive, people tend to make sure they arrive on time and don't talk through it, what with everyone trying to get their monies worth. And thirdly, it makes a nice change from the usual drudgery of watching television every night.

 There are many varieties of show you could go see. Musical or Shakespearean play. An old classic or a new breakthrough hit show. Comedy or tragedy. Theatrical adaptation of a well-known story or a small budget, independent show. Featuring a thespian actor or reality show star. An Andrew Lloyd Webber creation, or other. Camp or not quite as camp. The list is endless. Like the tourists pamphlets say in their usual, cliché manner: There is something for everything. Unless you're deaf and blind; there is nothing for you.

 The show will typically be full of washed-up comedians, X Factor finalists, ex-soap stars or celebrity talent show winners. These names bring in the crowds, and it is because of this you have to purchase tickets way in advance. In the cinema, it is likely that you can pick seats which are a spitting distance away from anyone else. In the theatre, there is no escaping others.

Of course, you could get an aisle seat, which means you only have to sit next to one person, and that person is usually someone who's stench you are familiar with.

"Excuse me please."

Getting an end seat however, does mean that you will have to get up for every person who sits in your row.

"Sorry, can I come by?"

You often find in fact, that you have closer contact with the old couple sat in the middle whom you have never met before, than you might have had with some of your past boy-or-girlfriends.

"Do you mind if I just... thanks."

Having an aisle seat however, comes with a huge responsibility. When the show is over, and you've all finished clapping, cheering and whistling, it's time to put coats on and leave. So if you're at the end of the row, you're the pace-setter for everyone else who shared your row. No-one wants to be quietly tutted at while they put their arm in the coat. As soon as that curtain goes down, it's a race to be one of the first audience members out the door.

And thus ends a typically uneventful night out, soaking up the culture which London has to offer. And if the ceiling of the Victorian theatre hasn't collapsed on your head, that makes for an even better night out.