Screen Grab

There are many unwritten rules for travelling on public transport in London, but one of the most important to remember is to not make eye contact with another living being. Look at the adverts, your shoes, their shoes, your fingers, a book or inspect the inside of your eyelids; just don't look into the eyes of someone else.

The keeping of this rule has been helped massively by the fact that everyone now has a phone or tablet to stare at, and ear phones to stick in their ears. People now don't have any need to accidentally and awkwardly catch a glimpse of the buxom lady sitting opposite. That's why, I think, there are so many adverts on public transport for online dating. You no longer hear stories like: 'He offered me his seat, then we got talking, and the rest, as they say, is history'.

The screens in our pockets and bags are the reason.

Londoner's amuse themselves by watching the latest American hit drama series on their phones, while other people look over their shoulder and also enjoy the free entertainment. They sit forward on the edge of their seat, with their ears plugged in, but still maintain an expression of stoicism. Other passengers have to ease themselves around, so that the engrossed viewer doesn't get a head full of crotch as they lean into the path of exiting passengers.

Other Londoner's spend their time furiously tapping at their screens as they attempt to play a game. They fling birds, ride motorbikes, rearrange shapes and pop candy, all while other passengers look over their shoulder, and themselves become engrossed in the game. You can watch their faces flinch as the player crashes, or shake their heads in disappointment at the choice of putting that shape there. If a passenger is playing a particularly captivating game, such as playing an Indiana Jones-like character who collects coins, as he runs away from a beast, he could end up with his own set of disciples who secretly root for him.

One will almost certainly see someone on public transport holding a book-sized device, looking at it intently for a few minutes, before giving a quick swipe and continuing to stare. These people are reading a book, but without the hassle of having to hold a book-sized object and needing to lift a finger to turn the page… This does, however, mean that someone can read a book without everyone around them knowing what they're reading. They could be reading a best-selling novel, an erotic story or a Paul McKenna self-help book; no-one will ever know. This can save huge embarrassment, but also removes the possibility of someone wanting to start a conversation with you about 'the message' of the book.

The rest of Londoner's spend their time exploring the Internet for the latest news from around the world, finding out what Katy Perry has spent her day doing, and looking at all the boring things their friends have taken pictures of and uploaded to Instagram.

On top of this rich variety of distractions, the commuter can also play music through such devices, which allows them to be in a completely different world, where they're not sat next to a large man with a film of sweat covering his skin.

 If you're particularly lucky, you'll get a young person, with a sculpted hair cut who keeps pulling their trousers up, come aboard with their headphones on and music turned up. One should not think of them as being selfish, and not caring about the people around them having to put up with the constant thudding of popular music. Instead, one should think of him as a selfless being who has chosen to damage his own ears, just so that he can share his 'banging tunes' with us mere dullards. People should be grateful, not hateful.

The odd person might even use their phone to make a phone conversation, to gossip with a friend or tell their beloved to put the kettle on, they'll be home in 10 minutes. When on public transport, it is also customary to shout your conversation into the phone, so that everyone on the surrounding carriages knows your business. Even better, if you can throw in a loud, annoying laugh, or do it all in a foreign language, then you should go ahead and do it. Nothing grates on the souls of other commuters more than that; assuming they're listening.

Of course, phone conversations can only happen above ground, so for the surrounding passengers who are having to put up with listening to an illegible soliloquy being shouted at them, can sit and pray for an upcoming tunnel. They then get to watch the show take a comical turn as the caller looks confused at their phone for a few moments, before starting to play a game, whilst completely ignoring the glare of smirks around them.