The Big Screen

The cinema is the perfect place for a misanthrope to go. It is the only time one can sit in a darkened room for a few hours, sitting in silence and watching a screen, whilst still being considered to be socialising. It allows them to go out in public, with friends, family, or on a date, and spend time in their presence, without having to engage with them on any level, apart from maybe sharing a tub of popcorn.

Despite this though, there are many reasons why one should be weary of entering such a building. These are issues which are synonymous with the cinema experience, where ever you are in the country. Firstly, the cost of refreshments is laughable; some people have to take out pay-day loans to afford a bottle of water, popcorn, and a bag of sweets. Then that's on top of buying tickets to watch half hour of adverts, before a film which is on a screen that is too large and the volume turned up too high, and sat on a seat that is marginally more comfortable than resting your buttocks on an overflowing rubbish bin.

However, these are normal circumstances for a trip like this, and are usually forgotten by the time you leave the cinema, due to (hopefully) having enjoyed the film. Londoner's though, watch films in a manner I am unused to. They treat cinemas like their front room.

People walk in and out, throughout, numerous times. They go to the toilet, purchase more snacks, take phone calls and go to the toilet again. Some Londoner's, usually the younger ones, spend their time laugh and joking throughout the film, and others just generally chat with their friend, about what has been happening at work. Others spend their time, screen in hand, texting someone, liking something on Facebook, or just tapping away at a game. Then, for the moments they are watching the film, they sit back in their chairs, and put their feet up on the back of your chair.

Is it because we live in an age of Sky+, where everyone is used to doing what they like, when they like, and just pause what they're watching to do whatever? Is it because people have such short attention spans now, that being passive for 2 hours is impossible for them? Perhaps. Or maybe there just are not enough coffee shops in London for friends to go an chat in? Well, it's definitely not the latter. In truth, I haven't the foggiest why anyone would pay, say, £8-£10 for a cinema ticket, and then pay no attention to it.

Of course, London is in Britain, and therefore operates under the same set of rules. One must just ignore these other people, and only break your stoic poker face to roll your eyes. We just want to turn around and slap the feet off your chair, or telling them to shut up about 'that bitch from work' or to just sit down and enjoy the film. Or perhaps even kick the phone out of their hand. However, thanks to the rules we, as a society, have put upon ourselves, we have to just suffer these fools. Well, apart from the occasional hero who will make a short, loud, irritated speech to tell them to shut up, but you can't rely on one of them always being present.

Thankfully, DVDs exist, which allow people to then spend a further £10 to watch a film properly, they have already paid £10 to watch. The amount of times I've watched a film I only watched a number months earlier, and be adamant I have never seen a particular scene before are, actually, only a few; but once is too many.

In London, I should be able to watch a film, without having an idiot's commentary accompanying it, popcorn being flung at me, or being put into a headlock by some kid's muddy Adidas trainers.

It is here then, that I suggest Boris Johnson passes a law, similar to the contempt of court law, where anyone who disrespects a film is held in contempt of cinema, and could face a maximum of a month in jail and be fined £2,500; of course with the money going towards refunding the tickets of everyone in that screen. It's the only way to teach proper cinema etiquette to a city of selfish, stupid morons, with muddy trainers.