The Theatre, Darling

Many great actors and actresses tread the boards at London's West End each night, and many millions of people go see them do just that every year. So much so, that it has become somewhat of a tourist necessity to go see a show; thus explaining why so many people are always in attendance. Whenever you go to see a show, you first have to battle through a mass of people who loiter on the pavement outside, in the doorways, in the entrance hall, on the stairs, around the gift and confectionary shops, at the bar, down the corridors and lurking around corners. None of them moving. They're like tall cones wearing coats which one has to successfully manoeuvre around.

So, you've paid, let's say, £100 for a night out for two at the theatre. Then you buy the obligatory program, plus a souvenir. Then drinks, and maybe something to munch in the interval. It's an expensive night out, but it comes with perks. Firstly, there is a better class of people there. These are the sorts of people that might actually apologise for bumping into you; which is a rare treat in this city. Secondly, because it is so expensive, people tend to make sure they arrive on time and don't talk through it, what with everyone trying to get their monies worth. And thirdly, it makes a nice change from the usual drudgery of watching television every night.

The Big Screen

The cinema is the perfect place for a misanthrope to go. It is the only time one can sit in a darkened room for a few hours, sitting in silence and watching a screen, whilst still being considered to be socialising. It allows them to go out in public, with friends, family, or on a date, and spend time in their presence, without having to engage with them on any level, apart from maybe sharing a tub of popcorn.

Despite this though, there are many reasons why one should be weary of entering such a building. These are issues which are synonymous with the cinema experience, where ever you are in the country. Firstly, the cost of refreshments is laughable; some people have to take out pay-day loans to afford a bottle of water, popcorn, and a bag of sweets. Then that's on top of buying tickets to watch half hour of adverts, before a film which is on a screen that is too large and the volume turned up too high, and sat on a seat that is marginally more comfortable than resting your buttocks on an overflowing rubbish bin.

Screen Grab

There are many unwritten rules for travelling on public transport in London, but one of the most important to remember is to not make eye contact with another living being. Look at the adverts, your shoes, their shoes, your fingers, a book or inspect the inside of your eyelids; just don't look into the eyes of someone else.

The keeping of this rule has been helped massively by the fact that everyone now has a phone or tablet to stare at, and ear phones to stick in their ears. People now don't have any need to accidentally and awkwardly catch a glimpse of the buxom lady sitting opposite. That's why, I think, there are so many adverts on public transport for online dating. You no longer hear stories like: 'He offered me his seat, then we got talking, and the rest, as they say, is history'.

The screens in our pockets and bags are the reason.

On The Road

The roads are full of different ways to travel, whether it's by foot, car, bus, bike, and sometimes by penny-farthing or horse and carriage. All these people have to share the tarmac laid in between the buildings in London; and they all want to be on the exact same piece of it.

Pedestrians will run across the road, without warning, like herds of buffalo in the savannah, hoping they're not taken down by predators. If someone sees a break in the traffic, it's an automatic reaction to cross the road; even if they don't need to. In fact, the one place you now least expect to see people crossing, are at traffic lights. With London being a generally safe place to live, it's the only thrill that the average Londoner gets in their life; besides being in 30p debt on their Oyster Card.

On an interesting aside: I once beeped my horn at someone meandering across the road in front me. The selfish moron went on to stick his fingers up at me before trying to open my car door to attack me. I now look back at that moment, wishing I hadn't operated the break peddle and just mowed the moron down. ANYWAY...

The London High Street

London offers many different opportunities for shopping, whether it's going to one of the huge shopping centres, or one of the well-known shopping districts that are too expensive for the likes of anyone who has eaten a jacket potato in the past year. Many towns in the London have a high street, for the great unwashed to buy bowls of produce, cheap clothes and eat McDonalds.

When walking through a high street, it is highly likely that you will encounter at least one man shouting about the brilliance of God. He will remind you that your life if full of sin, and that you should join him and repent your sins (but who has the time?). You'll recognise him when you see him; he'll be the one in the middle of the street, shouting as loud as he can with no-one within a 10 metre radius of him. Well, that man is either a religious nut or a drunk.