Learn Your Left from Your Right

Londoners are a very patient bunch, who take life in their stride. They are free spirits, and never rush to be anywhere. The Londoner will just mill about, with no particular purpose. They wake up in the dark, and venture out in the drizzling rain, just for the fun of it.

Well, that's what some people must think. These people must mistake Londoner's for being a bunch of compassionate individuals. Why else would they stand on the left side of escalators? The only way they could make the rule any simpler, is if Cbeebies did a cheerily patronising song with the lyrics: 'By standing on the right, You're always in the right!'

Tourists with Cameras

When one braves the crowds of central London, we expect to be bumped and shoved by tourists; just as much as one can expect to see Big Ben or St Paul's Cathedral on the distant skyline. We deal with this in a typically British manner: we tut and moan under our breath, careful not to let anyone overhear us, for fear of coming across as a bit of a racist. Of course, 'tourist' doesn't necessarily mean foreign, but most Londoner's seem to treat everything outside the M25 as 'foreign', with their grass and wildlife.

The main problem with tourists on the streets of London, is their insatiable need to photograph everything they see. A pigeon. An over flowing bin. A still-moist splat of abandoned chewing gum. Another pigeon. A grey cloud. An empty Starbucks cup. A gang of pigeons. A policeman. A drunk being arrested by said policeman. A seagull. A set of green traffic lights taken in the middle of a road. A blurry shot of Big Ben.

London Etiquette

There are lots of people in London; far too many in fact. There are streets where you could burrow a tunnel, using just your fingernails, quicker than you could walk along the pavement. It is impossible to be out in London without thinking, at least once, that it's been a long while since a healthy proportion of humanity was wiped out by an epidemic. Swine flu just never really caught on like us misanthropes hoped for.

In order for society to be considered a successful one, all of its inhabitants need to get on in perfect harmony. London is not an example of one such society. We just don't function together. I think it is because the residents of London can be split into two categories.

Firstly, there are those of us go through life, head down with the intention of blending seamlessly into the dingy backdrop of London. They are quintessentially British. They plug themselves into a headphone socket and upload a facial expression of extreme stoicism onto their face. These are the sorts of people who apologise profusely, despite them being completely devoid of blame, for walking into the back of someone who randomly stopped in the middle of the pavement. In fact, apologising becomes as regular as breathing.

The Biannual Tube Strikes

Surprisingly, life in London on a usual day, runs smoothly. If the sun is shining, and you can get a seat on the bus, the queues are working, and no-one has thrown themselves in front of a moving train, you could be forgiven for feeling strong, positive emotions; such as contentedness. Nothing strong enough to stir a smile, but enough to stop you wishing for a new plague, as you cup your head into a sweaty armpit.

However, this is nothing but the calm before the storm, when the Transport for London staff throw a hissy-fit and decide to award themselves a few days off. The result is central London becoming a no-go zone; as if a nuclear attack has just been performed on Charing Cross roundabout.

The Theatre, Darling

Many great actors and actresses tread the boards at London's West End each night, and many millions of people go see them do just that every year. So much so, that it has become somewhat of a tourist necessity to go see a show; thus explaining why so many people are always in attendance. Whenever you go to see a show, you first have to battle through a mass of people who loiter on the pavement outside, in the doorways, in the entrance hall, on the stairs, around the gift and confectionary shops, at the bar, down the corridors and lurking around corners. None of them moving. They're like tall cones wearing coats which one has to successfully manoeuvre around.

So, you've paid, let's say, £100 for a night out for two at the theatre. Then you buy the obligatory program, plus a souvenir. Then drinks, and maybe something to munch in the interval. It's an expensive night out, but it comes with perks. Firstly, there is a better class of people there. These are the sorts of people that might actually apologise for bumping into you; which is a rare treat in this city. Secondly, because it is so expensive, people tend to make sure they arrive on time and don't talk through it, what with everyone trying to get their monies worth. And thirdly, it makes a nice change from the usual drudgery of watching television every night.

The Big Screen

The cinema is the perfect place for a misanthrope to go. It is the only time one can sit in a darkened room for a few hours, sitting in silence and watching a screen, whilst still being considered to be socialising. It allows them to go out in public, with friends, family, or on a date, and spend time in their presence, without having to engage with them on any level, apart from maybe sharing a tub of popcorn.

Despite this though, there are many reasons why one should be weary of entering such a building. These are issues which are synonymous with the cinema experience, where ever you are in the country. Firstly, the cost of refreshments is laughable; some people have to take out pay-day loans to afford a bottle of water, popcorn, and a bag of sweets. Then that's on top of buying tickets to watch half hour of adverts, before a film which is on a screen that is too large and the volume turned up too high, and sat on a seat that is marginally more comfortable than resting your buttocks on an overflowing rubbish bin.